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Bush Administration Unveils Reclaimed Iraqi WMD; Critics Claim It's Just an Ordinary Ring

China Reuters Associated Press | 25.06.03
[the alleged wmd] BAGHDAD, AMERICA. White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan announced today that US Forces in Iraq have recovered the first WMD held by the now-deposed regime of Saddam Hussein, but that it was not a chemical or biological weapon, as had been previously suspected.

"It took us so long to locate this Weapon of Mass Destruction because it's so incredibly small," said McClellan. "The Ring of Power can be easy to overlook."

"It's such an odd feeling," he added, "to suffer so much fear and doubt over so small a thing."

The Ring's identity was confirmed by the appearance of Elvish runes that only fire can tell, by a team of government scientists and the producers of the hit educational TV show Mr. Wizard. "It is written in the language of Islam, which I will not utter here," National Security Adviser Condeleeza Rice announced when the full scientific report was disclosed this afternoon, "but in the common tongue it says: 'To My Wife Leila: no jewel can adorn you as you adorn Allah's green Earth.' See, he stole that from Jewel of the Nile, that bit about a person being a jewel. So, it's obviously evil, like it was evil when Darth Vader told America no."

The One Ring of Power, the One Ring "to rule them all... to find them,/ to bring them all and in the darkness bind them" was thought to be merely a Cold War era urban legend, like red mercury and democracy. Its emergence in Iraq, however, has given skeptics reason for pause.

"Yeah, now they're glad we let the National Institutes of Arachaeology and History get sacked," said Retired US General Tommy Franks. "Now that this has come to light. Don't care about culture and shit my ass."

While some critics still contest that the alleged ring of power is simply a hunk of gold with no magical properties beyond better-than-average conductivity, the Bush Administration and its War Cabinet see the issue quite differently.

"Several relics from the lost Númenórean isle of Atalantë have been recovered," reported Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld. "While not all the lost seeing-stones are accounted for, the fact remains that the President's family has always had a long standing commitment to reclaiming our lost Ante-Diluvian heritage, ever since the founding of the Nazi Party, and the recovery of the Enemy's ring is no exception."

At press-time Homeland Security Adviser Tom Ridge was being debriefed by several concerned parties, including the Earth Liberation Front and the Little People of America. "This concerns all people of Middle America," announced Ridge before the briefing began. "It's time for the ELF and normal Americans like you and me to put aside their differences and concentrate on what we have in common: the mutual predicament we find ourselves in, and our shared tendency of getting out of predicaments by blowing shit up."

"We have only one choice," said a notably resolved President Bush after handing Ridge his coffee and asking if he'd like anything else. "I will take the ring to Mecca, though I do not know the way, to Mecca where it was forged, to the very fires of the Ka'ba, and destroy it. The ring, not Mecca. I repeat, the ring, not the Ka'ba."

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