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J. Lo Donates Ass to Africa

Reigning Miss Puerto Rico Winges: "But I Wanted to End World Hunger"

China Reuters Associated Press | 19.07.03
NAIROBI, KENYA. When US President Bush overheard UN Secretary General Kofi Annan's remark to US Secretary of State Colin Powell during a photo-op in the Kenyan capital and site of Osama Bin Laden's lain smack-down, Nairobi, that "[he] would like to get [him] some of that [Jennifer Lopez's] ass," Bush, assuming that cocaine use categorically renders all users impotent, and that Annan, being black, uses cocaine, failed to grasp the sexual innuendo and could only assume one thing: that Kofi Annan was a starving African ready to resort to cannibalism to ensure his own survival.

"I asked him. I said, 'Kofi, do you wanna eat Jennifer's ass?' and he said 'Yeah, sure, if she's into that sorta thing,'" the President told foreign press reporters assigned to document all the mistakes he'll make over the course of his current "piss off the world; prove I'm an idiot" tour in Africa. "I figured, what the hell, they did it in Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and guys like that pretty much are the GOP constituency."

"At first I thought he was trying to talk and just not pulling it off too well," Kofi Annan told reporters who figured proving to the world that Bush is an idiot is second string to proving to the world that it's round rather than flat, and had therefore left the President's prescence to pester the Secretary General for his side of things. "You know, like the oxygen molecules in his body were bouncing around and bouncing around, but just not hitting that one brain cell. That's what his doctors chalk it up to. But then I got to thinking about Voltaire, and Candide, and figured, what the hell. So I told him I'd take half, medium rare, with a side of Guanxi-style Ben Affleck brains."

While turning down offers to tenderize the steaks from, amongst other key Democrats, former US President Bill Clinton, Annan was willing to let Bush fry it for him. "The President was honored to be able to cook for the Secretary General," White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan told reporters who actually read the news, and were therefore scared as all shit to step foot within a hundred miles of Africa. "And also to be able to cook Miss Lopez like he did."

"I just wish no one was hungry anywhere," said an ecstatic, apron-enwrapped Bush, while sautéing the bloody remains of the one-time pop star. "And that all Latinos would fry like this. Damn."

The half of Jennifer Lopez's ass not to be eaten by Kofi Annan is to be distributed equally amongst those poverty-stricken African nations who support the US-led effort against terrorism by keeping their mouths shut whenever and wherever the US perpetrates acts of terrorism. The Red Cross and UNICEF estimate the measure, if carried through to completion, stands to reduce famine rates on the continent (which ranks seventh of all continents in standard of living) by as much as 37.8%, and piss off food-extorting biotech behemoth Monsanto by a lot.

"With any luck, it'll all go straight to my hips," Annan responded when asked why anyone would ever want to eat so much all by himself. "Then I really will be the biggest man in the world."

"It's too bad that monkey they brought me didn't have any brains though," the Secretary added, on a down note. "They must've gotten Matt Damon by mistake."

props to theschmews, from whom i've borrowed liberally. by "liberally" i do of course mean i have fabricated the truth and broadcast it in the so-called "news" media to undermine republican leaders in the interests of advancing my own liberal agenda, e.g., preserving free speech and making it so people can be things other than christian or dead.

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