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New Sanrio Character Loves You, Heroin

China Reuters Associated Press | 17.07.03
TOKYO, JAPAN. Sanrio, the Japanese Toymaker that blessed the world in 1974 with the introduction of its lovable Hello Kitty character, and has annoyed the shit out of everyone ever since with lame new attempt at repeat success after lame new attempt at repeat success, unveiled its latest lame new attempt at repeat success, the "newest member of the Sanrio family," Hero Kitty.

"Hero Kitty is the pregocious-yet-lovable cousin of Hello Kitty," read the official announcement on Sanrio's website. "She lives in London and enjoys taking heroin and methadone. Her friends are Kappa Rumba, who likes water sports and giving Hero Kitty money, and Suihei the Sailor, who likes fellatio and giving Hero Kitty money, whenever he's in port. Don't let her always wearing long sleeves fool you; this is one hip cat with a keen sense of fashion. Just watch out for your stereo!"

"Sanrio definitely isn't afraid to be offensive," said company spokesman Kobayashi Masato. "Hell, we got a character named Pika. What we're doing now, though, is we're trying to branch out into more realistic subject matter, stuff more topical, more relevant to our key demographic, which is 12-15 year old Japanese girls who sell their bodies to salarymen so they'll be able to afford all this Sanrio shit we sell."

"My vision for the future," Sanrio President and CEO Tsuji Shintaro explained in an open letter to fans in this morning's Ichigo Shimbun, "is to create characters who—shall I say it aloud?—are even more fucked up than you guys. I'm sick of characters to whom the biggest problems in their lives are, their strawberry car is out of peppermint petrol, or they bought a new pair of jeans but there's no hole for their tail to stick out of. Hero Kitty is the first step along this new path. The next, maybe a wolf character. Someone to eat My Melody, shit her out quick, and get her out of my life for good. She was always a bit of a cunt to talk to, and she'd never give it up to anyone but B-boku Nezumi Kozou Dai!, just cuz they weren't rap stars."

"We've got more in store for the future than simply dumping My Melody's skank ass," Kobayashi revealed when asked about Tsuji's open letter. "We're thinking, maybe Hero Kitty and Coro Coro Kuririn can have a speed nibbling contest. And there's other tie-ins in (pardon the pun) the works. We're thinking of having the Seven Silly Dwarfs run a gang bang train on Hero Kitty on the Shinkansen before forcing her to OD herself into a coma. That's so Snow White when you stop and think about it. How green do you think Disney's eyes'll be when it hits the streets?"

When reached for comment regarding the chromaticity of its eyes, the Walt Disney Corporation issued a formal statement which it then retracted, citing acts of "internal sabotage" resulting in "obscene subtexts unfit for public consumption."

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