ART OF EUROPE

US MNT on 2-1 OT Loss to Brazil: "If Only We'd Played Like Shit"

China Reuters Associated Press | 25.07.03
[giselle] MEXICO CITY, MEXICO. "Man, shit was happening tonight. Shit was happening, like, all over the field," US National Team rightback Frankie Hejduk told Jeff Bradley and Marc Connolly, which is what passes for a press conference when you're talking men's soccer in the States. "Man, if we'd played like shit, maybe we'd've held on, be fixing to be in the final right now."

"Yeah, well, I know I wish I'd played like shit. Shit was like, amazing," US National Team forward Taylor Twellman added. "Shit kicked our asses like Dave Scher with a pitcher of Everclear-and-onion-puree. And that shit kicks your ass hard."

"It's like, the fan got hit, and the fan got hit by shit," US and Columbus Crew forward Brian McBride told reporter(s). "Proverbially speaking, I mean. People only throw feces at fans in our road qualifiers. You know, second thought, maybe it's good we aren't going down to Mexico. Everyone there's got diarrhea like, 24-7, and they all bring it to football games in Ziploc bags. Or at least football games that involve the US and Aztec Stadium."

"Yeah, Mexico sucks shit," US goalkeeper Kasey Keller who, according to male reporters, plays for Tottenham in the English Premier League, but who, according to female reporters, plays for <<cough>> Spurs, told a woman in a bar who still thinks he lives in San Antonio. "But so does losing to Brazil in the 90th minute. Man, we were up a goal, but then, you know. Damn, it shits me. That little shit shit. Why's this shit always gotta happen to us? And then, fucking Gibbs with that handball shit. Man, where's a Korean ref when you need one?"

"Shit happens," US head coach Bruce Arena said. "Shit went well for Brazil against Colombia, shit went well for Brazil against us. Hopefully shit'll go well for Brazil against Mexico, cuz I really hate the shit outta those little shits."

"My name is Kaká, not Caca," Brazilian midfielder Kaká told members of the international press, drawing snickers from those with Spanish language press passes. "And even if it was, they speak Portuguese in my country, not Spanish. Well, Portuguese and the international language of love. But definitely not Spanish. What's that? No, if I go to Milan I won't be taking Helveg's number. No, my parents aren't disappointed. Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta get back to my hotel and pack my shit. Got me a plane to catch, got me Giselle to fuck."

After which we all made fun of Brazilian midfielder #7, Rapista.