ART OF EUROPE
Al-Sharif Sad To Be Included on US Government's "List of Terrorist Individuals and Groups"
China Reuters Associated Press | 17.09.03
ISLAMABAD, AFGHANISTAN. "While I am thankful that the ongoing bombing campaign in Afghanistan has not yet reached its targets in Islamabad, it pains me to see that my name has been added to the US Government's 'List of Terrorist Individuals and Groups,'" suspected terrorist Al-Sharif told Agency Reporters in a press conference broadcast from an undisclosed and unpronounceable location. "In fact it downright makes me sad."
While Pentagon spokesman Bryan Whitman did confirm that Al-Sharif's inclusion on the list effectively marked him for extrajudicial assassination, he was quick to disavow any extrajudicial designs being lain on el deputies.
"There can't be any more than one Arab (sic) guy named Mohammed El-Hadj in the Middle East. Barring Saudi Arabia of course, seeing as how they have nothing to do with global terrorism. Because terrorism is immoral and states can't be held to moral standards, like Greek gods can't be held to human standards of decency, or like heads of state can't be held to human standards of decency."
"Of course there can only be one guy named Muhammed Al-Hadzj in the Middle East," White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan confirmed in a separate briefing. "I mean, statistically speaking, what're the odds? This was proven in Florida, you know. There was this ex-con, this black guy, named Michael Moore, ex-con, kept coming back and trying to vote. No matter how many different disguises he came up with, no matter how many different Dates of Birth and Locations of Primary Residence he had on what were very evidently very perfect forgeries of Florida Drivers' Licenses or USPS affidavits, we just kept sending him home. Cuz, what're the odds? Two black guys in Florida with the same name. Yeah right. My kissed-by-the-press-corps ass. Now two Jewish guys in Florida with the same name, that I'd believe. Hell, we had ten sets of Cuban identicial sexptuplets with the same name come through in Dade County alone. I mean, the Justice Dept. verified that, even if they weren't willing to use the word 'sextuplet.'
"A Social Security what?"
Suspected terrorist Said al-Sharif, however, was "elated," both that his name was not on the list, and that "the infidel American imbecile" had proven himself "more incompetent" than his "infidel British imbecile counterpart."
"The infidel British imbecile had at one time thought the Emir of Mecca the Pope of Islam," Said said in a press conference from a disclosed yet still unpronounceable location. "They just didn't realize that all Arab men who've grown up in the Hejaz like to wear skirts and a funny hat. But, Jesus H. Easter Bunny, Americans can't even spill."