ART OF EUROPE
RIAA Sues Those Black Guys Who Blare Bad Rap Music Out Their Car Stereos
Also Those White Guys Who Think They're Those Black Guys
China Reuters Associated Press | 08.07.03
HOLLYWOOD, D.C.
The RIAA filed charges in Federal Court this morning against a number of university students and kids of roughly the same age who also can't afford lawyers across the entire country, who had "illegally uploaded copyrighted audio files to their personal computers, personal and even car stereos."
The suit instantly won praise from Capitol Hill, Senator Fritz Hollings (D-SC) especially endorsing the RIAA's "willingness to get tough on the freeflow and exchange of ideas."
"It seems, if I understand this technology right," Senator Hollings told a press conference just after the announcement was made, "that these black fellers buy these compact discs with these .wav files on them, and then they're uploading them into these devices called car stereos, where they can play them back. And then they're driving them all around these [networks like] roads and [similar to] highways, and then these files that have been uploaded from this disc are taken all over the place where just about anybody can hear them, even if they'd rather not. That sounds to me, if I understand this technology right, to be illegal under current law."
"Also," he added, "most of these fellers're coloured."
"In Europe, where people actually study at school, this isn't so big a problem," said IFPI Chairman and CEO Jason Berman. "But American universities are just there for fucking girls and smoking pot, drinking Barton's and eating pizza. The kinds of things kids do in pretty large groups in their dorm rooms. [editor's note: Berman is a Hollywood stooge; to him fucking girls really is something done in pretty large groups in dorm rooms.] No telling how many people may be listening to one of these copyrighted files at any given moment. Sometimes they even open their windows, ostensibly to 'air the room out,' or 'so so-and-so can blow chunks,' but really it's just so people outside can also be music thieves and vultures and deprive artists of their livelihood.... Huh? Hell no, we're not releasing any new Nirvana songs anytime soon."
"But there are rumours," he went on to speculate. "That these college kids may be swapping vinyl through some kind of peer-to-peer network called E-Bay. That, well, that would actually fall within my organization's jurisdiction, so maybe I wouldn't sound like such a tool coming out and criticizing it."
When asked how much the RIAA had spent in the course of purchasing his soul, Berman told reporters to "go shit a brick."
After shitting said brick reporters threw said brick, and interviewed the first person it hit.
"Well, me and my girlfriend use it, and both my flatmates, and my sister and her boyfriend, so that's six," said Jason someone-or-other, rubbing the back of his head. "I guess that's more people than voted for pResident Bush. Granted the number of people who voted for Bush isn't really much of a yardstick for popular sentiment."
Looking for similar suits with rulings favorable to their cause as a foil against popular sentiment, which is there by any yardstick, the RIAA has cited Federal Labor Dispute #003100267-A, PETA vs. JAMA, in which PETA, in a vein of rash technophobia, sued JAMA for discarding the topical application of leeches in favor of the rational application of science. The 9th District Apellate ruled in favor of PETA, judging that "animals have equal rights to humans, [including] the right to gainful employment, because they, too, have the ethical responsibility to not come between Lars Ulrich and his fifth condo in London ... if JAMA were to, say, keep them [leeches] in tiny crates where they would await callous slaughter and a date with a deep-frier, fine. But to willfully sever them from their livelihood and return them to their natural habitat ... [is] reprehensible."
"It stands a shot, this lil' piece a case history," said RIAA lobbyist and all-around speculum-stain Mitch Glazier. "Blood-sucking worms standing in the way of progress. Ultimately the case was thrown out when PETA realized they were suing JAMA instead of the AMA, but it's not like we're attacking enablers instead of perpetrators."
"Like that gun control nut Moore," he added, winking, then winking again. "Man, you'd have to be crazy to go against the Second Amendment. I mean, of all the amendments to the Constitution, that's the most important. That's why no other amendments come before it. Because it's the most important."
To date, all suits filed have involved the illegal file swapping of tracks by Rage Against the Machine, Public Enemy and the International Noise Conspiracy, as well as that song by Nas that says that black people are smart and can accomplish things in life. An earlier suit filed against a preschooler who had illegally downloaded a Britney Spears single may set precedent for damages, in which event the file swappers would have to compensate the RIAA by giving them their Halloween candy, and apologize to the record labels who may or may not be members of the RIAA but actually own the copyrights in question and are therefore the ones losing money, as well as promising never to use the internet again.
"It's not like we're against the internet," said former RIAA lobbyist Hilary Rosen, who resigned from her post last June, but who still feels "connected" to the RIAA "in spirit" because she, too, has no soul. "Good god no. The internet has lots of wonderful, beautiful, humanistic, soul-affirming uses. Like pop-ups and flash banners. Why, right now, the RIAA is developing a subscription and à la carte MP3 service chock full of pop-ups and ad banners. All people have to do is pay a small fee everyday for the rest of their lives, acknoweldge that they haven't read and do agree to the terms of use in the licensing agreement, and have at. All the Britney Spears and Pink they could ever want. Oh, and they'll have to have cookies enabled. That's a must."
The subscription service, to be christened Narcster 2.0, will be launched sometime in late 2003. The RIAA has clearly expressed its intent to bring litigation against anyone and everyone found illegally swapping its Narcster licensing agreement, anyone caught reading or listening to an audio transcript of said licensing agreement, and slackers.com, who currently enable anyone and everyone to download all the Britney Spears and Pink they could ever want, for free.