ART OF EUROPE
Deitrich Mateschitz Interview
China Reuters Associated Press | 08.03.06
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First off, congratulations on your new soccer team.
Football team.
Okay, football team. Congratulations. Why Metro?
Both the coach and the manager general have red hair. I do not have to fire any person.
Really? You chose where to drop your $30 million based off the color of some guy's hair?
Colour.
How'd you—never mind. So rebranding is in the works. You'll be changing the team's name and color—colours—to red and white? Purple and white?
Red Bull red and lemon fruit yellow. And I will change the team's name to New York A Kick in the Bollocks FC, to advertise the tastacular non-alcoholic cocktail A Kick in the Bollocks made from lemonade and tasty, energizing Red Bull.
That's horrible. That's beyond horrible. That's a train wreck.
That is also a tasty drink, made from tasty Red Bull and Jägermeister.
No. The name. It's horrible. Like when you watch the news—the real news, not this parody bullshit I do—and they say 300 people have died in a train wreck, and you say, "my god, that's horrible!"
I might consider a compromise. Such as maybe the New York Knicks in the Bollocks.
If you want people to associate your product with castration, then, by all means.
Maybe then the New York Metrodors.
That is simply retarded.
No, it is in true quite clever. It is, you know, a word that is in factually two words distinctly. Like tastacular.
They're called portmanteaus, Humpty.
Like Metrostar together and Matador. Comprehend it? Those funny Spaniards who stab the bulls with the swords. They have red capes that they wave about them at such time the bull is running.
That's retarded. You're retarded. They'll call you the New York Metrodorks. You must not do this thing you think you will do.
Then the New Vienna Metrodors. That is much better.
You're moving the team to Ohio? They already have a team that sucks.
No, mien gutenfriend. I will move this team I have purchase to Austria. Such that way, all of the visitoring teams will be verily jet lagged and must perforce drink much tasty Red Bull!
Or coffee.
Nien! Coffee is nien red!
You could keep the team's name the same and just sponsor, say, ejections. Like, "and in the 50th minute we get our first Red Bull red card of the match," or "that red card was Red Bull!"
Nien. Only the stadium and the coach.
Mojo?
No. Redjo.
You can't change his name!
And the general manager. He will now be Lucy Lalas.
I thought you guys watched Baywatch.
Ok, then, Pamela Anderson Lalas.
Does he know about this?
No. But I have not yet begun to market!
Speaking of market, does this complicate other sponsorship deals the league might have or want to have with Red Bull's competitors? If a, a Kick to the Metrodor player, or whatever you're calling them, has an endorsement deal with Gatorade, or the league has a sponsorship deal with Pepsi, isn't there a conflict of interest between club and player, or club and league?
Ja, conflict is good for market. Many other inferior energy drinks that do not taste good will also buy teams in MLS, and Red Bull soccer and Red Bull energy drink will both be über alles!
So, you think there's a good chance other energy drinks will be interested in buying, say, expansion teams?
Ja, das good.
So, Nelly—one of your competitors—could buy an expansion club and name it after his energy drink: Saint Louis Pimp Juice FC?
Yes, yes, that is a catchable name for a football club.
What would the cheerleaders be called?
The Pimp Rides. The forwards would go "offsides their head." Ha ha!
You, um, know kids go to these games, right?
Kids like caffeine. Red Bull has caffeine. Also, when we win, we will dump Red Bull on Redjo's head!
Is that safe?
Ja, das so. It did not kill the Jews.
Alright, my imaginary friend, Godwin's law is in effect. Thanks for coming, good luck with your club.
Thank you, thank you. We will win!
Goodbye.
Gudenbye.