ART OF EUROPE
Ashley Cole Interview
China Reuters Associated Press | 04.03.06
First off, let me say thanks for being here today.
My pleasure.
Can I get you anything? Rum? Navy cake?
No, thank you.
Now obviously the big news this week is the libel suit. News of the World claiming you're using a cellphone, possibly an O2, as if it were a jigglypuff.
A jigglypuff?
It's a pokémon. Its special power is that it vibrates, and has a forelock for easy removal.
That's—you know, I'd really rather talk about the Madrid game.
1-0, I know. You were really up for that. You were on fire, you were—
Flaming?
I wasn't going to say that. Was it because they had "Siemens" on their shirts, or just the sight of David Beckham?
What the hell's that supposed to mean?
Well, Siemens is a cell phone...
So? I have a cell phone.
And O2 is a cell phone...
Maybe.
Well, the point is, you get pretty passionate about road game.
Yes. I always am.
Well, changing tack, your England chances. Sven's a back four man, not a back three; do you see yourself as being in?
Yes, I think I'm in.
In? Not out?
Definitely not out.
Where do you see yourself playing? You're a bit of a rear specialist, so somewhere—
Centre back, anywhere in the back, or even midfield, defensive midfield. I'm a pretty good ball holder. Really, I don't care where I play, so long as I'm eating schnitzel come June.
So if Sven phones you, you'll come?
Hell yeah.
Right away, or will you wait till you've got some tissue or a dirty sock on hand.
Right a—hey!
Sorry, I'll retract that. I don't mean to offend you.
's better.
So, where exactly was your tongue when Jermaine Pennant crashed your car?
I'm not gay, dammit!
You're dating a pop star.
A hot female pop star!
Yeah, but there was that secret hotel rendezvous with Mourinho. Rumours you were playing for the "other team."
Team, yeah, club: Arsenal, Chelsea!
You know, you could play for New York and live in Chelsea. Lots of gay people live in Chelsea.
I'm not gay! Why do people think I'm gay?
Maybe it's because you have a girl's name.
Ashley's a bad ass name!
So Jermaine thinks your ass is bad? Are you the top?
It was Bruce Campbell's name in Evil Dead!
Do you fantasize about being raped by a plant?
No, what the?—no! My name is Ashley, no one makes fun of it. Like people don't make fun of Youri Djorkaeff.
You mean they don't yell, "You're a jerk off, Youri Djorkaeff!" It's not true. We make fun of him all the time.
Well, you shouldn't.
Who would you rather play with: Youri Djorkaeff or Nicky Butt?
You know what?
Rhymes with "You blow Butt."
This interview...
I don't know what that rhymes with.
Is over.