Week 4 - Thursday
I was in the new filing room when the news came through, stapling little
cards to the shelves and getting quietly wistful at the thought of leaving.
Bus there, bus back, morning Susan, morning Jane, morning Sigismond, same
old same old, gruts for tea, but you miss it when it's gone.
I was happily doing a really pathetic thing with the idiot concentration I
sometimes give to really pathetic things - I was putting labels on the ends
of the shelves of the new store-room ____ my boss had me make the other
week, to indicate roughly which names were where, but I was fiddling things
so that as far as possible each label consisted of a nice pair of words -
I'd very nearly got it so that the whole room formed a lovely abstract poem.
Some of the couples I managed were:
A - Apple
Ash - Beech
Bran - Bread
Cast - Che
Cow - Crow
Fir - Forest
Green - Gro
Haze - Heat
Heat - Hell
Ho - Hum
Kelly - King
Lone - Love
Mad - Man
Walls - War
Will - Win
Wood - Wool
Some had fallen out serendipitously but I'd had to really mess around with
the files to get others to fit, having them all spaced out on some shelves
and really jammed into others with punches, kicks and shoulder-charges so
they got a bit tattered and mangled and would require crowbars to get out,
and a couple of awkward names that would have really messed things up hidden
under a table at the back of the room, but I think it was worth it. It's the
sort of thing Nabokov might have done, if he'd been a filing clerk and had
had no fucking life whatsoever.
Kelly-King, not to mention Mad-Man, stapled to a shelf in a dusty
store-room, to hell with publishing, that's immortality... or it would have
been.
'Have you heard...' 'Bastards' 'I can't believe it...' 'It's been confirmed,
then...?' The voices came drifting out of the corridor and I wandered out to
see what was going down. They'd disappeared round the corner, I followed,
piecing things together from the snatches I could hear. By some shared
instinct everyone was gathering in the kitchen.
The verdict was in, ---- from head office had spoken. As already rumoured,
the building to be abandoned, everyone to be moved to a hideous unit on a
godforsaken out-of-town industrial estate. All inquiry calls to be
outsourced somewhere. Mrs. Prendergast and Pryor and half a dozen of the
girls from downstairs to be laid off. _____ my boss to be temporarily
replaced and sent on a training course somewhere: a re-education camp where
she would be taught to bullshit. For those who remained, the introduction of
'personal goal statements' and monthly forms for self-evaluation of their
job performance, and daily time-log sheets where they would describe each
day's work by the quarter hour.
There was worse. R. was ashen and trembling.
'They... they are sending me to the Wrexham office!'
I hugged her as she broke down sobbing.
Reg the boiler man came in, devastated. The little geeky health-and-safety
type was still on the premises condemning everything. 'My boiler,' faltered
Reg, his dirty old fingers clenching reflexively on his shovel, shaking his
head and frowning, 'they say my boiler's a menace.' I hugged him as he broke
down sobbing.
It was Mrs. Prendergast who started the insurrection. 'Fuck that shit,' she
said, 'I'm not going down like that. I've got grandchildren who are going to
have to live in this world.' She pulled the knife out of the last cake we
would ever share. 'Are you with me?'
We found the bloke from head office in the big room downstairs leaning back
in my boss's swivel-chair. He'd put his feet on her desk, and a little sign
that said 'You don't have to be a drone to work here, but...'
He steepled his fingers like the slimy villain he was. 'Ladies,' he said,
'shouldn't you be at work now? I'm afraid you're going to have to enter the
last fifteen minutes on your time-sheets as 'cake and hysterics'.'
'There's always time for cake, ----,' my boss drawled, 'and get your fucking
feet off my desk.' She kicked him in the throat sending him sprawling. The
girls closed in on him.
'You'll pay for that!' he screamed as he hauled himself up. 'You're all
fired!' He pressed a button on the desk and a thuggish new security man came
running in and started laying into the women with a truncheon. He caught R.
on her elbow. I found I still had the heavy-duty staple-gun in my hand. I
shot him nine times at point-blank range, causing him to say 'Ouch'. But I'd
slowed him down enough for the girls to finish him off with their handbags
and heels and nails and little emery-boards.
---- was making a fight of it, dodging round desks to escape his pursuers,
hurling a computer monitor that caught my boss a glancing blow on the head
and temporarily stunned her. With two deft shots I stapled him to the wall
by his ears. Screaming, Mrs. Prendergast stabbed him seventeen times and
then started to eat him a bit before I pulled her off the body.
I reloaded and we went to hunt down the health-and-safety man. We ran him to
earth in the boiler room. He swallowed as he saw my staple-gun pointed at
him. 'You shouldn't use that thing without goggles,' he squeaked.
Reg advanced with his shovel raised. 'You're trying to kill my boiler... old
Bessy... she never did you no harm.'
He licked his lips as he backed away. 'Too old... too dangerous...
fire-escapes rusted... need a sprinkler system... no properly designated
escape routes...'
'There are no fire regulations in hell, wuss-boy,' I said as I plugged him
in the chest, piercing his nipple.
He shrieked and looked around for a properly designated escape route, but
already Reg's shovel was descending... We watched in silence in the
flickering shadows as he fed his vanquished foe to Bessy.
I showed them where to hide the other bodies.
'Now what do we do?' my boss asked. 'We have nowhere to go.'
'We can stay here,' I said. 'They're going to abandon the building anyway,
we can come out at night and use it on the sly, set up in business on our
own. I'm used to working at night, the rest of you will have to manage as
best you can. You can wear pyjamas and negligees and stuff if you want.'
'Hooray!' the girls said, jiggling a bit.
'But what would we do?' asked R.
I hesitated a moment and then fetched a bag from the filing room. 'I brought
this in to show you,' I said. I opened it and brought out the gleaming form
of the Mellerware 84300. 'We could have a bakery. It makes cakes too.'
All the girls gasped and knelt and wept as they beheld the wondrous machine.
But it was not to be, they wouldn't leave us alone... Minutes later ____
made a grim discovery, ----'s mobile lying open in the downstairs room,
still connected to head office, he must have speed-dialled... they'd heard
everything.
Already it was too late. They'd sent replacements. There was a screech of
tyres outside, cars, vans, we could see grim-faced security guards and
blank-faced middle-management types, serried ranks of consultants, pagers
and earpiece-phones, wires coming out of their heads, robot men, we were
surrounded...
Quickly we barricaded the doors and retreated to the second floor and
started to drop filing cabinets on their heads out the windows. We set the
Mellerware to maximum speed and made cakes to pelt them with, and eat as
well. Most of the women were semi-naked by this point so they could run
around more easily. We cheered defiantly and hurled things at the enemy but
it was no good, they were over-running us, they'd broken down the doors...
Then there was a mighty explosion from down in the basement. I understood at
once: Reg had decided to go out with Bessy. Flames billowed from the
doorways, the management drones lay dead in the entrance...
It was at this juncture we realised the health and safety man had had a
fucking point about the fire regs. I led them through the warren of
corridors to the fire-escape at the back but as soon as ____ set foot on it
the whole structure swayed and crashed away from the building and I was
barely able to yank her back.
We were doomed. Unless... 'This way,' I cried. As the passages started to
get smoky I led the way to the store-room on the fourth floor and the
disused rubbish chute. 'Down there, quick.' I helped the girls into the
chute one after the other, nervously watching the smoke grow thicker.
Finally I hurled Mr. Pryor in bodily, tossing one slipper in after him...
there was a terrific crash... I dived into the chute.
In Mr. Fezzigig's office there was no sign of the fire. The clerks crowded
around goggling at the women, who goggled back. There was something
different about the place, it seemed brighter, nicer. There were plant-pots,
little ornaments, flowery curtains on the windows. Mr. Fezzigig came out of
his inner sanctum, hand in hand with ____ our ex-receptionist, who was
blushing and dimpling as he chucked her under the chin and murmured sweet
nothings.
'My dear, your friends are here! Welcome, naked harlots from the future!' he
boomed genially. 'Mrs. Fezzigig and I bid you a warm welcome to the 19th
Century! If you will adjourn to our parlour, we would be pleased to offer
teacakes and double lattes. If the clerks offend you, flog them.'
Dazed, I wandered out into the reception. The door was open, no longer
bricked off; sunlight flooded in. Outside, it was summer, dazzlingly sunny;
ladies with parasols promenaded and there was a brass band playing in the
park. I walked around the building. It was intact and very beautiful. As I
reached the terraced houses a lady with a parasol emerged from the first
house; opening it she inadvertantly swatted me in the eye, causing me to
swerve and bump into a lamp-post. She didn't notice and walked on.
I went back to the office. The girls were holding a council in the big
copying room.
'We'll do all right,' said my boss.
'We'll do better than that,' I said. 'Remember, we still have the
Mellerware!' For all the way through the smoke I'd kept a tight hold of R.
with one hand and that with the other. I opened the bag and showed it to
them to remind them of its power. They wept and held hands.
'The filing monkey is right,' said my boss. 'With technology like that
there's no stopping us. We can rule here!'
'It's true,' I said, 'the timeline will be all changed now. We can do what
we want with this age, keep what's best and change what we don't like. And
we'll know what mistakes not to make. We can ruthlessly cull anyone who
looks like their descendants will be management consultants or similar
nasties.'
'Change the Victorian age?' said ____ O'______ suspiciously.
'Why not? For example we could keep the spiffy uniforms and the sense of
national purpose and yet bring in liberated women and orgies.'
'Hooray!' cried the girls. 'Orgies!'
And they took off what remained of their clothes and threw themselves on top
of the clerks, who looked surprised but happy... Mrs. Prendergast said to
Mr. Pryor, 'I've had my eye on you for a long time, Sigismond,' and threw
him down on the table... his slippers curled up as she got a grip of him...
my boss took Jorkins' pince-nez off with her tongue... and I found myself
left alone watching the mayhem.
There was a discreet cough from behind me. I turned to see R. smiling at me.
'You handled yourself pretty well back there,' she said.
'Well,' I said coolly, 'I've had a lot of experience handling myself.'
She said something sultry in foreign and came a step closer.
'Filing boy,' she said, putting a finger on my chest, 'you have long been in
my Pending tray.'
'And you have long been on my 'to do' list.'
'Oho?' She blinked saucily. 'Then perhaps I can now move you to my - how you
say - In tray?'
'Gurg!' I said.
'We may even become, how you say, relevant attached documents.'
'File me under I for Interested!'
'Then you wish, perhaps, to stamp me for immediate action?'
'In triplicate!'
'We might even... merge files.'
'And one day, perhaps, open a few new sub-folders?'
'Yes, I have the hips for it.'
'So you're giving me a return to point of origin order?'
'Do not be vulgar. But I will certainly circulate you to all interested
departments...'
This went on for some time before we finally managed to fuck like weasels.
*
...While I was scribbling notes for the above, muttering things like 'I've
had a lot of experience handling myself,' and sniggering, everyone tiptoed
into the filing room to give me a leaving party.
- May 1st-May 25th 2006