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New Virus Wreaks Havoc Amongst Windows Users

China Reuters Associated Press | 15.08.03
REDMOND, WA. Look out I Love You. There's a new virus on the "what's a security patch?" block.

"Yes, yet another computer virus is making the rounds of making Windows users' lives more difficult than the relatively simple task of learning debian," Microsoft spokesman Adam Sohn told reporters through a confidential email sent to one reporter that then scanned that one reporter's address book and relayed itself to every other reporter in the world, even ones who don't own computers or have email addresses. "But rest assured, Microsoft techs are working around the clock to fight this dreaded new foe."

"The new virus," read Microsoft's anti-virus website for approximately 5 seconds before being re-updated, "reflexively titled the 'Turn the Power On, Shithead' Virus, is similar to many other known viruses [sic], though rather than doing any visceral damage, it will simply open an ASCII file containing the message 'Turn the power on, shithead,' then initiate a shut down sequence. Users who contract the virus are not to panic, they are simply to reach down and turn the power on. And to quit being shitheads."

"Our service hotlines are just swamped," Sohn confessed. "See, the thing is, is most Windows users are really only proficient with the mouse, maybe with the joystick if they're studying for a pilot's license or've never gotten laid. This whole, use the power button thing, that's as alien to them, as, well, taking the dust cover off to add more RAM. Or finding a screwdriver so they can take the dust cover off."

Despite the only real adverse effect (besides of course bandwith that could be better spent serving you perfectly legitimate opt-in emails on how yr willy is too small for those MILFs you'd LF) of the virus being, literally enough, having to reach down and turn the power back on, financial experts are already forecasting further economic downturn.

"Most people who make shitloads of money are incredibly ignorant about these sorts of things," said Julia Dennison, a financial analyst at Morgan Stanley. "Hell, these people have to hire Mexicans to make their beds for them. How hard is it to be smarter than a Mexican? So, yeah, a combination of rich people being stupid and hacktivists being evil. That's why the economy sucks. Not because Bush is bombing any and every country with a flag, and definitely not because people like me spew shit like an Iraqi sink to anyone and everyone with ears and a chequebook. Not at all."

Sohn himself was later unavailable for further comment, which is to say, the carrier pigeon we sent died before it made its way back, and that the Pony Express is only human. Except of course for when they're horse.

( For more information on how to become a better educated Windows user, click here. )

( rancour rancour rancour... )

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