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Ronaldo Interview

China Reuters Associated Press | 12.03.06

That was stupid.
I didn't say anything.
What Pelé said was stupid. Pelé is stupid. He says stupid things stupidly.
Yeah, I know. He was in Shanghai the other day. Someone asked him if he thought it was a shithole, and he said no. But I don't think that's what you're referring to.
No. He said I was distracted. He said I was mixed up. He said I had too many off-the-field problems.
He said you were "mixed up?"
Maybe he was confusing you with Ashley Cole.
No, he was referring to my, er, slump.
Well, you have been playing like shit. No, let me rephrase that. You've been playing like shit—like fecal matter—that's been thrown up—vomited—by a naked Japanese girl teen slut on some free nude pics internet porn site.
Japanese girls take off all their clothes then ingest and regurgitate fecal matter for free on the internet?
Ohhhh, yeah.
How do you know that?
I was, um, researching Schopenhauer's The World as Will and Representation.
What's that have to do with looking at naked pictures of Japanese girls eating fecal matter?
Hey, what, is that Cassano over there?
Nevermind. I thought it was. It wasn't.
What was it, then? I didn't see anything.
A tea kettle.
How the hell'd you mistake a tea kettle for Antonio Cassano?
It's small, covered in shiny metal, full of hot air, whines all the time and is likely to burn you if you don't handle it properly.
Oh. Yeah, I can see that. Honest mistake.
But back to Pelé. He's been saying stupid things?
Yes. But he's always said stupid things.
Like when he said Brazil would win the World Cup in '66?
Like when he said an African team would win the World Cup this century.
Hey, man, the Black Stars stand just as good a chance as anyone this year.
Sorry, last century.
They'll beat Italy. And the US.
How do you know?
I'm Italian. And American. So, what should we do about Pelé? We could make him play for New York again.
No, we don't need to pay any attention to him.
If he played for New York again no one would.
No, we should just ignore him.
You can't completely ignore him. It's not like he's an Australian defender.
Australia's good this year. They're coached by Hiddink.
Hey, Hiddink coached Korea when they knocked out It—
Whoa! Cassano's back! What, am I sitting on his bench?
Oh. That really is him. Hard to miss with all the bling.
You should see his cock ring. Diamonds... everywhere.
And you know that how?
Um, I interviewed Ashley Cole last week. Duh.
And the Japanese girls...
They get the shits when they're fucking. They're like you except... You ever been in a cornfield?
Never? They don't grow corn in France?
I think they're on strike right now. I can sympathize. The French have never appreciated food.
So, you're still feeling underappreciated?
Yes, the fans, the Madrid fans, they don't love me.
Neither do the Barça fans...
They don't love me. They love Beckham.
Beckham? The bender?
Yes, they love Beckham. They don't love me.
Maybe it's because you're such a dumb fat asshole.
I'm not fat.
Of the three possible, that might be the most plausible denial to make, but...
But what?
See that?
Yeah, Cassano. He's back. That's the third time he's walked by us. Jesus, Ronaldo! You've got other, smaller dumb fat assholes orbiting you! How can you say you're not fat?
I've lost weight in my head.
I'm not too sure that's something you should waddle around advertising...
No, I'm serious. My head used to be very fat, but now it's only a little fat.
How so?
Well, right now I'm upset and can't play well because nobody loves me.
But before?
But before I was upset because Cúper told the defenders their job was to defend. And he told Ricoba to try and score goals.
And that's wrong?
Yes. Ricoba and the defenders should have been doing nothing but giving me the ball so I could score and dribble and score and look good.
But you're still playing like the aforementioned vomit.
I'm playing well. Just, Ronaldinho's playing better right now.
No, man. No. Hell, Cristiano Ronaldo's playing better than you. You know, Cristiano "dribble-dribble-double-teamed-tackled-goal-kick" Ronaldo? Him.
Yeah, but the team he plays for is evil.
You play for Madrid, yo.
He has a stupid haircut.
Phillip Johnson doesn't throw rocks.
Of course not. He's dead.
Anyway, moving on. Since you're still in Spain now, I'd like to ask you, after the Eto'o incident: How big a problem do you think racism in Spain really is?
Huh? No. It's not a problem at all. I need her here. Who else am I supposed to fuck? Daniella bought a dog. A big, mean dog. With spikes on his collar.
Racism, Ronnie, not Raica.
Oh, yes. Racism is bad. Worse than AIDS. Racism affects everyone, whereas AIDS only affects black people.
That's horrible! And untrue! They also have AIDS in Turkey.
Do you want the €600 now, or can I mail it to you?
Um... if you don't tell anyone in Turkey I won't tell anyone in Africa. One last question, before I go change my name.
What would you say has been the best moment of your career? Ever. All time.
Scoring a goal against those picometer pricks back in Brazil.
Really? Not winning the consolation match at the '96 Olympics?
Second best?
Yeah, I can see that. I'll let you get back to doing... her.
Thank you. Toodles.
Too—No, I'm not saying that. Goodbye.

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