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Linux Uses Cartoon Penguin to Target Minors, Unbiased Justice Dept. to Bring Suit

China Reuters Associated Press | 10.07.03
WASHINGTON, D.C. The Justice Department today issued a statement that Linux and Linux founder Linus Torvalds are being investigated amidst allegations that the open source operating system may be using cartoon characters to target minors.

"While Torvalds and other open source enthusiasts may claim to associate this shameless victimization of children as 'cute,' 'cuddly' or even merely 'contented,' we with decent family values see in it a far more sinister motive; as Torvalds himself admits, penguins are 'randy'," Attorney General Ashcroft read to the Press Corps., fighting back tears, but fighting all the same. "Yes, my fellow non-terror-espousing Americans, a 'randy' cartoon character. Some of you may be asking yourselves, what's wrong with a cartoon character named Randy? My pastor's name is Randy. His wife's name is Sheila. Well, CIA cryptologists, working around the clock to protect America from terror, have deduced that 'randy' means 'horny.' For those of you who are still waiting for the Webster's Collegiate and/or Oxford English Dictionaries to be released per the provisions of my new revision of the Freedom of Information Act and therefore don't know, being 'horny' does not mean that this penguin has horns, though that would be appropriate. No. It means that this penguin wants to have S-ual relations with a female penguin. And with your children."

Aides to the Attorney General did later confirm that "S-ual" was in fact meant to mean "sexual," but declined to comment when asked why the Attorney General didn't just come out and say "sexual" to begin with.

If found guilty of targeting minors with adverts featuring a cartoon penguin, Torvalds and company could face penalties ranging from 0 days in prison and a $0 fine to 0 days in prison and a $0 fine, which is why most legal and Constitutional Law experts expect the DoJ will indict under the legal doctrine of "secret evidence," arguing that dissemination of the open source OS is a threat to National Security, inasmuch as                                                                                      , which most legal experts and decent human beings agree is a fair argument.

The Linux penguin is not the first penguin to be associated with Linux or with the open source movement in general, a recently declassified FBI dossier reveals. According to the dossier, the notorious South Antarctican herring smuggler Chilly "Smackerel" Willy was a huge supporter of GNU in its early days. Other famous yet fictional penguins to have been associated with GNU/Linux at one time or another are alleged to include Opus from Outland, seen using a Mac clone Banana; the animal guide from Fight Club, a staunch supporter of terrorism; and Bender from Futurama, who got hit in the head once and thought he was a penguin, and who also stole things from the great American war hero Richard Nixon. The Penguin from Batman, however, has never used Linux, because he is an arch-villain bent on world domination, and also because he is evil, and also because he has exactly one finger for every button on the mouse, making it more ergonomic than the Macintosh alternative.

"And," noted a top Ashcroft aide, "Pokey the penguin loves to read your email. If that's not a blatant invasion of privacy, I don't know what is. He's probably a North Korean. They all smell like raw herring."

Linux has recently become the platform of choice for state governments in Massachusetts and West Virginia, who have gone too far over their annual budgets re-sueing Microsoft to be able to afford any of its products. But the Federal Government, never one to back down from going over budget, still professes a preference for what most computer users refer to as "the world's preeminent operating system" and address as "you stupid piece of fucking shit I hope you burn in hell and fucking die."

"We all know Windows is the best," Ashcroft announced in a prepared speech delivered after he had delivered his prepared statement, "but Justice (thank God for big favours) is blind, and the Dept. of Justice will cast no prejudice on the technical merit of either so-called operating system, be it Windows or some shitty knock-off no one even wants to pay money for. I mean, a hypothetical shitty knock-off no one even wants to pay money for. Not Linux, because seeing as how we aren't being prejudicial we won't decide that they're a shitty knock-off until after a judge has heard and ignored all of their arguments."

"But," he went on, "if you need further proof that Linux hates your children and maybe even your temperate and tropical biome pets, you need look no further than the fact that their OSs lack an equivalent to BioNet's Net Nanny, or to its Microsoft counterpart, Net Swedish Aupair. You'll notice that every release of Microsoft Windows comes equipped with an easy-to-access NSA trapdoor. Just look for it. It's there. Big black letters, N-S-A KEY, that's K-E-Y 'key.' What's that? What's a Swedish Aupair? She's like a Big Brother you'd really, really like to fuck."

President Bush is expected to issue a statement later this afternoon, calling on both penguins and Israelis to put aside their differences and commit to the peace process.

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