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DMX Arrested for Use of Profanity on Stage
Prosecution Witnesses Arrested for Use of Profanity in Testimony

China Reuters Associated Press | 29.06.03
BASSETERRE, ST. KITTS. Warrants were issued today in Basseterre, the capital of the independent Commonwealth state of St. Kitts & Nevis, for the arrest of thirteen witnesses in the recent bail hearing of American rapper DMX who are suspected of having used "lewd, obscene ... even profan[e] language in their testimonies."

The witnesses, if found guilty, will each have to put a swear penny in the national Swear Penny Trust Fund jar, a jar that financial experts estimate accounts for 52.5% of St. Kitts & Nevis's GDP.

DMX, an American rap star well known for his Hollywood collaborations with actor and life partner Jet Li, had been arrested Friday night for using profane and obscene language in a concert held on the island of Nevis but which could easily be heard from the island of St. Kitts and from another island too small to have its own name but which has its own national govenment that may or may not seek to bring its own charges against X. Under anachronistic but still enforced colonial legislation, it is illegal to say anything that might "piss off rich Brits," including "but not limited to profanity, obscenities, honest analyses of the Three Lions chances of ever beating anyone at rugby, and French." It is suspected that this last prohibition may have sealed X's fate, as he apologised for many of his most profane remarks of the night with the American cliché "pardon my French y'all."

If found guilty, under Commonwealth Law DMX could face sentences ranging from lifetime exile to Australia to lifetime exile to Australia with a lifetime supply of Vegemite to lifetime exile to New Zealand.

"I'm ready for the worst," said a beleaguered DMX, wearing an All Blacks jersey and obviously alluding to the possibility of New Zealand. "I've just recorded a new single 'Ba Ba Black Sheep, Let Me Get Some.'"

In related news, the trial of former Black Flag frontman Henry Rollins began today in Charleston, West Virgina. Rollins was arrested in Charleston earlier this year for owning a black flag. Rollins, who has chosen to represent himself, is expected to argue that it was simply a black rag, as it was kind of dirty and he did at no time run it up a flagpole anywhere within the 200 acres that comprise the state of West Virginia.

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