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France Bans Term "Email," Italy Bans Term "France"

China Reuters Associated Press | 20.07.03
[le frog] PARIS, GAUL. In response to the US's decision to ban France and the French province of Syria from participating in "my bad" reconstruction efforts underway in Iraq, the French government has announced it will ban all government employees from using the term "email," suggesting they instead use the cheap French knockoff thereof, "courriel," and from using the term "California Champagne," advocating in its stead "soured alcoholic cat urine that even Australians won't drink."

Other proposed but as yet unendorsed changes to the French language include the substitution of "arthouse veritas cinema" for "cheap 8mm porno" and "what the hell is this?" for "Lady Bic™."

"We explained it to them over and over again," said US Presidential Envoy to Iraq Paul Bremer. "Syrian troops mean Syrian flags, and those'd just confuse our operation: desert storm troopers. They look too much like the flags of the old republic, and no one would want any of our boys killing anyone they absolutely positively 100% don't have to. No, really. Really. Why are you laughing? Knock it off, man, I'm trying to be serious here."

Italy instantly made an announcement of its own, Prime Minister of Italy and more importantly owner of UEFA Champions League holders AC Milan Silvio Berlusconi calling on Italians to no longer use the word "France."

"I can't believe the Gauls have the gall to not use the word Gaul. That's what they fucking are, you know," Berlusconi told an audience of loyal AC Milan supporters and some random Chinese guys who like whatever team is winning so long as they're winning. "'France' is such a pussy word. No wonder we could drive our tanks backwards and still beat their sorry asses," he added, alluding to both countries' failure to do any actual fighting during the second World War.

After a brief recess in which everyone went home, took a nap, fucked his wife, and generally accomplished nothing for three straight hours, Berlusconi handed the mic to Italian Minister of Foreign Affairs and more importantly President of Copa Italia runners-up AS Roma Francesco Sensi, who made a suggestion of his own.

"Muslims and Jews everywhere are sick to death of all this AD shit. Wouldn't it be better for everyone involved if we set year zero somewhere a little less demoninational? Maybe like, count it AVC?"

While Italian Minister of Being President of Libya and more importantly financial backer of scudetto holders Juventus Muamar Al-Khadafi agreed that year zero should not be set 2003 years prior to January of right now, he could not endorse the AVC standard. "Year zero should begin on the 11 September of two years prior to right now, to celebrate my as-of-yet unliberated country's triumph over the American infidels," Khadafi told Fox News Reporters. "I tell you this because you are objective and won't distort what I say to you," he added, to Fox News Reporters.

Berlusconi is scheduled to travel to Paris next week to make President of Gaul Jacques Chirac an "offer he can't refuse" before returning to his Mediterranean villa on Berlusconi Island.

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