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10 Rules To Supersede Godwin's - by nate

Godwin's Law, as I'm sure far too many of you know for me to act like I'm teaching you something here, applies when someone on an internet message board, discussion list, etc. likens another person's argument to some policy/philosophy of Hitler's/the Nazis'. It's a pretty pathetic tactic, which is why Godwin's Law was invented. Once someone says "you advocate free healthcare, but so did Hitler," it's obvious they're losing whatever debate they're participating in and are pulling out a baby-eater retort that no one's going to fall for (unless oc they teach at Harvard); the discussion will probably focus more on how pathetic their defense of their stance has become and not on whatever issue was the topic of discussion. Hence Godwin's Law has two parts:

  1. Once the comparison to Hitler et al is made, the discussion ends unless
  2. The comparison to Hitler et al is made with the deliberate intent to invoke Godwin's Law and therefore bring the discussion to a premature end.

It's usually implied that whoever brought Hitler up automatically loses the debate. Godwin's Law can't be invoked on purpose, which begs the question: what law can?

Here's ten to hang.

The Junkets Can Dunk It Rule
Beauty is truth. Poetry is beautiful. Poetry is prosodic. Prosody is rhyme. Whatever rhymes is true. Read it, write it, love it, just don't throw Aristotle at it or you'll think you're above it. Not much for the furthering of facts, but damn, if we all did this we'd be living in Shakespeare sans drag queens and third acts.
The Dead Zen Monk's Rule:
Cut off a finger. One of your own. Anyone who ain't Amish (and they don't get on the net) can only do this ten times over the course of their lives, so it's indicative of a very, very strong conviction. In Japan people might mistake this for an apology, especially if you've got ink; in that event you need only invoke the rule once, and no one will ever disagree with you (see below). Alternately, kill a kitten, although people in Korea might think you're offering to cook for them, or that you're Ozzy Osbourne and that, by virtue of being in your presence, they're on TV.
The "I Drive a Kuraisurar" Rule (aka Clause 8-9-3):
Tattoo your entire body. Cut your hair like you're in the army. Wear nothing but Aloha shirts and white suits. Invest in gold chains instead of banks. Print "specialist in extortion, racketeering, arms smuggling and pachinko" on your business cards, and give your business cards to the cops who come by your office to inquire about the "Date Your Daughter's Friends; Screw Your Son's Sweethearts" advertisement you put in last week's paper. Drive a Chrysler. No one will disagree with you. Not on the internet. Not in the slam. Not in hell when it snows.
The Carlos Ruiz Rule:
Fall down.
The "I Was in the Movie" Rule:
Anyone involved in the production of a film does, it follows quite naturally, know any and every one of the minutest details regarding said production of said film, from originary texts down to the liner art of the instruction booklet of the officially licensed video game. And, of course, any contingent films or video games officially licensed therefrom. Yup, Christian Slater knows the name of Julian Bashir's great-grandmother on his mother's father's side, and her history of breast cancer, just for having been in Star Trek VI, and if not, he's a failure as a human being. Robert Downey Jr. knows everything about the War of the Roses because he was in Richard III, as Kathleen Turner knows everything about Richard III as she was in The War of the Roses. Also Robert Downey Jr. knows where to buy drugs because he was in Natural Born Killers. Anthony Daniels knows Attack of the Clones was a piece of shit, because he played a character in it who has eyeballs and a brain. Julian Sands's ass knows more than Ashton Kutcher. That's not a synecdoche.
The Suicide Bomber's Rule:
You disagree with people. One of them, we'll say, oh, Joe Lieberman, to carry the Palestine analogy a bit further, recommends to a wealthy terrorist organisation, we'll say, oh, Congress, again to carry the Palestine analogy a bit further, that extrajudicial assassinations and[/or] the targetting of suspected perpetrators' innocent family members is a valid debate tactic. Couple the knowledge that you aren't going to live long enough to get married with the fact that following the following you follow (um, Islam) prohibits you from losing your virginity until you've done as much and what've you got to lose? One less person who agrees with you (you). Ten less people who disagree with you (them). Nachos and gravy for the boys at Boeing.
The Israeli Settlers' Rule:
Convince the US to give you $3 billion (a billion being a thousand million not a million million, it being the US) and buy tanks and gunships to kill everyone who lives in the same city as anyone who disagrees with you. Zero less people who agree with you (commendable US soldiers). less people who don't (farmers, doctors, children, politically biased little shits with their own webpages).
The Ono Manami Can Do Whatever She Wants to Nate Rule
If you're wearing knee socks and a plaid and/or pleated skirt you're always right no matter what. Michael Kelly taught me that. Hell, you must always be right if you can convince anyone with functioning ears that TLC isn't just three high-profile herpes cases waiting to happen. Just glad Kansas City dumped one of them off on Jokeland when they did. That shit's big audio dynamite when you're sharing showers.
The "I Got a Gun" Rule:
Women hold up half the sky. Chairman Mao holds up the other half. Like a bloody bank. People who point guns at you and tell you to do things never tell you to do anything that even a very unintelligent person might mistake for "smart." It's always "open the safe." Or "this is a carjack." Or "give me all your money and a pearl necklace." Yes, hookers pack heat. Or "everybody dig a hole six feet long by three feet wide by six feet deep. Except the midget, his can be three feet long." Or "you'll have a new home in Oklahoma, no need to cry." Like Mao (licks maoyin) who decided the best way to catch up with Russia and America technologically would be if all the people with highly professional jobs became farmers, the farmers worked in foundries, Eddie Murphy worked the Stock Exchange and Dan Akroyd gave Jamie Lee Curtis a pearl necklace. If by "Dan Akroyd" one means "Mao Zedong," and by "Jamie Lee Curtis" one means any hot girl with the last name "Lee."
The "But I Really Am Hitler" Rule
Boca cuts a black player. Go to some Boca fansite message board. One fan says, "blacks shouldn't be allowed to play football." Another fan says, "hey, you sound like Hitler." First fan says, "how can you tell you what I sound like over the computer?" then burns his villa down and runs to the airport. Bush declares war on Argentina and starts bombing soccer stadia. Ice cream for everyone but no soup for you.

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