Geoffrey Chaucer - poetry, poems

c.1340 - 1400

So John of Gaunt was banging his wife, John a Gaunt giving Geoff cash and work in exchange therefore (John a Gaunt being wed to Chaucer's wife's sister; you can see why his son was the politically ambitious one). We do a movie and I see... Harrelson and Redford? No, no, Harrelson couldn't pass for a rapist and would just sound funny speaking Flemish. Paul Bettany? Been there, done that—and he wasn't even in charge of organizing the damn thing. Rob Lowe... too the opposite of Harrelson. He'd be creepy speaking Flemish. Ah, well. Time will tell.

Thanks for coming. I'd like to start out by—
Just let me hitch up my horse...
My god! That's the smallest horse I've ever seen!
It's a Shetland dwarf pygmy pony. And you just thought monks couldn't draw.
I must admit, I thought them too busy inventing lager and champagne to worry about things like anatomical proportion.
Ah! Don't mention Chaumpaigne! Nor anatomical!
You mean Cecilia Chaumpaigne, that girl you raped?
I didn't mean to rape her. I was trying to kidnap her, but botched the kidnapping and accidentally raped her.
Acci... dently... raped her. Will that fly in court?
No, but £10 'll fly in court.
£10? Damn, and I thought Filipinas were cheap!
What you say about my wife?
No, no, Filipinas, not Philippa. They'd have sex with John of Gaunt, but would also have sex with you.
But they wouldn't try to kidnap anybody? And accidently rape them?
No, no. God no. No one's ever been kidnapped in the Philipines before.
Oh. Good. Is there a piece of a saint buried there?
Maybe. Ought to be. They got a lot a Catholics there. Sure someone's buried some piece of some saint there. If not I got a couple a shovels in the back, we can dig up a piece of Princess Di, take it to the Philippines and bury it wherever we like.
Who is this Princess Di of whom you speak?
Oh, her. Bit of a nob. She was Princess of Wales. Would've been Queen of England, except... well, you thought The Miller's Tale was sordid....
It was indeed. I pride myself on it.
Man, it was the beard that clues him in. You should pride yourself on being the first writer to deride the state of dental hygiene in England.
Anyway, you said she was a nob? I've written a great deal on noblesse oblige.
Yeah, you wrote something about talking birds, too. But I mean she was a bit of a cock.
I wrote something about a cock!
A penis, Geoff, I mean she had the intelligence and sophistication of a penis.
Well, then, she was at least as smart as any man! I would have liked to have met her.
No, no, wasn't that much fun. And you're not French.
What does being French have to do with anything?
I think it was the head she gave them. Hey, is it true you used to get paid in wine?
A barrel a day for life. That was under Edward III.
He's not the poker guy.
Bolingbroke being less kind a bloke...
I think Chandler got a deal like that for The Blue Dahlia. And John Lee Hooker was pretty much songs-for-shots.
Not that hooker, buddy. We ain't talking rugby here.
It's like football, but you pick the ball up and run with it.
You know, like the World Cup.
World Cup?
It's like, a big global tournament.
Yeah, um, same name as that theater Shakespeare was at.
Yeah, you know, DVD LCD MTV Paris Hilton.
Paris Hilton? I've seen that girl. She's a raunchy, dirty slut.
Wikipedia's working on a plan to use her to destroy the island of Sumatra. They might even get some free rice out of the deal.^
Ahh, yes. I love Wikipedia.
You can use it to research the War of the Roses.
The War of the What?
Exactly. Well, I'm off like a prom dress.
A what?
Think... the Wife of Bath's knickers.
Gotcha. Take care then. Goodbye.

Poems by title

Poems by first line

Stuff in bookform

Geoffrey Chaucer on the web